Things I Learned from Camp

Rhonda Smith, MSW, LCSW

Last week I wrote about my insecurities in speaking to adult cancer patients at Camp Bluebird.  I must report to you that all of the anxieties that I was feeling were completely unwarranted.  However, what was intended to be an educational session LED by me, turned out to be a teachable moment FOR me.   I learned so much from this group of people and I am forever grateful for the experience to interact with them.  It was truly amazing!

If you have ever received a cancer diagnosis, I am sure you can relate to what I am about to say.   In the wonderful discussions that I had with my new friends, I learned several things.   I want to share these things with all of you so that you can feel more at ease when you are in the position to be a support to someone who battles this dreaded disease.

1. Ask them how they are doing, but not in the physical sense.  Ask how they are doing emotionally.  Everyone is so busy attending to the physical body, that sometimes brain health is forgotten about.  And, don’t forget about the husband or wife who instantly becomes a caregiver.  They are hurting too, but have to show strength on the outside.  Everyone’s life changes in a split second and their reality is different now.
2. When you ask how they are doing emotionally, LISTEN TO THEM. Don’t give advice.  Don’t tell them about your relative who died of the same disease.  Unless they ask questions, just listen.  However, if you think they need some professional counseling, don’t be afraid to suggest it.
3. Love them. If you want to do something for them, just do it.  Many people say “if you need anything, just call me”.  They won’t.  If you feel that you should take dinner to them a couple of nights per week, prepare it and go drop it off – but don’t stay too long.  They are tired.
4. They are no longer the same person they were pre-cancer. Don’t expect them to be.  Their bodies do not perform the same way, they have no energy, and they may look different.  Many women who have had a mastectomy no longer feel beautiful or feminine.   Their lives have shifted, so as loved ones, we must shift with them.
5. They are afraid and have a whole new set of worries, no matter how long they have been in remission. Every new pain and every doctor visit, they are just waiting for the other shoe to fall.  Hold their hand as they hold their breath waiting for that test result to come back.
6. Emotional health is not addressed nearly enough. Spread the word that you don’t have to be “crazy” to talk to a therapist.  I asked 100 people if they had been referred to a counselor during their cancer treatment and not one of them said yes.  Sure, there are survivor’s groups out there, but sometimes you need to talk privately about some very sensitive issues (sex, relationships, fear of dying).   We must do a better job at making mental health as important as PET scans and MRI’s.  If you are in a position to offer support, do it!

I am blessed to have had the opportunity to learn from my new friends.  I am a firm believer that the more we know, the better job we can do at helping and loving others.  At the end of the day, it is not going to matter what successes we have in life, but relationships will always matter.  We need each other, especially in scary times of our lives.   Thank you Camp Bluebird for teaching me a little about life and love!