Behavioral Health Corner – Just Listen

Rhonda Smith, MSW, LCSW

I was recently asked to speak at Camp Bluebird, an annual camp for adult cancer patients, designed to provide a time for listening and learning about lifestyle adjustments associated with a cancer diagnosis.  When I was initially asked to speak, I was flattered that I was considered worthy of speaking at such an event.  But, as the event date drew near, I began to get nervous as I was preparing for what I would say.   As I was researching for material, my insecurities crept in, and my fear began to grow about what I might say to this group of people that could help them or make a difference in their lives.  My mind began to race and I became afraid of saying something that may be offensive, or come across as uncaring or insensitive.  I then began to wonder why on earth I agreed to speak at this event at all.  What could I say to help?  I am not knowledgeable or competent enough to open my mouth.  I have never had cancer; I can’t relate AT ALL!  It would be so much easier to just say nothing.

But wait.  Then I heard a small voice say to me, “Rhonda, just speak from your heart.”  As I was having all of these thoughts of insecurity, it occurred to me that I was reacting just like everyone else who hears the news that someone they know has been diagnosed with this cruel disease.  The “C” word – the one no one wants to say, much less hear that it has happened to us.   We really do not know what to say at times.  We know that we have a million questions out of pure curiosity, like “what kind of cancer do you have?” “are you going to take treatments?” or the worst one, “how long have they given you to live”?  If you are a cancer survivor, I am sure you have heard them all.

So, what is the right answer?  What are we supposed to say to a friend who just got earth-shattering news?  Each person is different, but the most important thing to remember is that they need you to simply listen.  They do not need to know about your great uncle who got the same diagnosis as them and was sick as a dog.  They don’t need your sympathetic face that says “I feel sorry for you.”  Your job is not to solve their problems, but to give them a safe, judgment free space to vent and share their feelings.

Our job is to create a safe environment for our friends/family to talk to us (Did you get that? For THEM to talk to US).  We must be present, and deliberately step out of our own lives and join them in theirs.  We also have to let go of our assumptions and problem-solving skills and allow them to share with us what they are thinking and feeling.  Some people may not want to talk about the C-word.  That needs to be okay too.  Much of their lives are now wrapped up in thinking about cancer, researching, doctor appointments, treatment options, life changes, and they just simply want to go to dinner and talk about the weather and who is going to win the ballgame on Friday.  People appreciate just getting things off of their chest.  Cancer is scary.  It changes people.

So this weekend while I am at Camp Bluebird being an “expert”, I am going to spend my time there listening and learning from them.   I am sure that what they can offer me is far more valuable that anything that I could say to them.  I am truly thankful for the opportunity to just listen.

Rhonda Smith, MSW, LCSW, is a Certified Counselor at South Central Behavioral Health Services in Laurel. For more information or to make an appointment with Rhonda Smith, please call 601-426-9614 or visit scrmc.com.